Guest Blogger: Ethan Koehler - Tribal Predictions

Today, I am too paralyzed today to think of anything pithy to say about the 2007 Indians postseason campaign. Luckily, my best friend from high school, Ethan Koehler, has the following predictions that I wanted to share with you in this guest blog.

(IGSMTOMM claims no responsibility for Ethan's content or its vulgarity. He sent it to Bill Simmons, and of course it'll be rejected, so I put it up on a little piece of the internet for him. I love the guy, and there are some great nuggets in here. But seriously, he's nuts.)

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What do you think, fellow Tribesmen? I've gotta start by saying I LOVE being in New York for this series. It's really fun to trade barbs with Yankees fans--they don't get true fandom and they know it after about 30 seconds of debate. Plus, I'm feeling very strongly about this year's team.

Everyone keeps talking about Borowski's balloon like ERA--any way to slice it, he's tougher than Mesa, doesn't walk as many as Wickman and doesn't throw 90 mph straight down the center like Ker Plunk or Riske.

I think:

• Hafner continues to rake and carries this team a la Vlad G a few years ago.
• Martinez is the MVP of the series, even though Hafner will really deserve the honors. Martinez is gets stroked by all the media outlets. It shall continue.
• CC and Carmona shut this lineup down at home.
• Wang gives up 4 runs in 6 innings. We win 4-2.
• Pettite pitches well, but loses 5-3. Carmona has 27 groundouts.
• Westbrook doesn't make it out of the fifth.
• Clemens doesn't make it out of the second.
• Tribe loses a barn burner as Borowski gives up 14 in the 9th. Tribe 34, Yankees 35.
• Joba Chamberlein pitches lights out all series long until game 5. He proceeds to sh*t the bed.
• Playing Doug Mentkeiticz at first is going to come back to bite Torre at the plate.
• A-Rod: if he gets a hit in his first at bat, you walk him EVERY time he's up with a man on.
• Guitierrez has a monster series.
• Garko plays so well, everyone in NY talks about the Yankees getting him in 2010 when his Indians contract is up.
• Abreu sprains his labia trying to steal first.
• Cano KILLS us
• Jeter gets caught on camera with his man-love
• Torre cries
• Posada gets a splinter in the second game due to refusing to wear batting gloves and is shut down with an infection from pine tar in his blood stream. He dies days later.
• Johnny Damon and Kenny Lofton have a pregame contest on who has the weaker outfield arm. Lofton wins with a long toss of 5 feet. Damon breaks his right arm forcing a throw to second base after catching a fly ball out.
• A Rod, after losing, falls in love with Indians organization and promises to take an 80% pay cut in order to play here (there). Shapiro and Wedge decline, citing poor morals (mistresses) and team chemistry concerns. A Rod signs with the Giants for $35m a year and never plays in another October.
• Paul O'Neil turns out to be the "other" man in the Jeter photo.
• Steinbrenner cedes control to his former son in law who signs Brian Cashman to a lifetime contract, guaranteeing the Yankees won't see another Series title for at least another 30 years as Cashman is the WORST general manager in professional sports. The world rejoices.
• Cerrano lights Jobu's cigar which lifts the curse of Cleveland Municipal stadium,t he Indians finally win the World Series. This is after the CIA kidnaps Tony Fernandez and Mesa and takes them some random eastern European country in an effort to ensure they can't f*ck us TWICE.
• Tribe in 4 if they start CC twice.
• Tribe in 5 if Byrd gets the ball in game 4. He'll give up 234,243 runs in 1/3 of an inning.
• Go Tribe!